No matter how much you try, you cannot avoid the very nature of who you are (please know that sadness, depression, apathy and self-esteem issues are not "you," they are barriers to your very own instinctual greatness - I expand on this below). If you are brave enough (and you are brave enough!) to listen to your inner-voice, there is a growth process that will take place. It is painful, it is worth the wisdom that you will gain, and it is inevitable.
A few things I would like to share with you about my life travels thus far - I come from a Latin-American family - my mother is Mexican-American and my father was born in Nicaragua. I was reared in a home that strongly encouraged intellectualism, critical thinking and being of service. I have a bent toward perfectionism that I am actively learning to integrate into the way I approach my creative process. There's nothing wrong with any bit of your characteristics - you've simply got to take the time to put them in the right place.
I am kind, self-evaluative and imaginative. I am a poet and a writer. I earned a degree with academic honors in Creative Writing from Mills College. I attended college to fine-tune my natural interest in writing. I wanted to open up my world, and give myself time to explore the emotional landscape of truly inspiring human beings who wrote with tremendous passion and fervor. Audre Lorde, June Jordan, Franz Kafka, Martin Luther King, Sylvia Plath, Chaucer & Gabriel Garcia Marquez brought me up and down in ways that affirmed my understanding of the universal human experience.
I have dedicated waves and waves of mental energy toward coaching myself to be gentle with my eccentric level of sensitivity. High personal standards, wanting to achieve "success" and strong work ethic have led me a lot of places, some walks were light, other caves were tiny and dark; all were necessary. I have a pretty intense and prolonged eating disorder background, so allowing myself to be exposed in any light at the risk of being criticized - whether through my writing, photos or other works of art - is an act of courage for me and an honest attempt at self-acceptance. I have struggled with my self-image as far back as the second grade, where I internalized my size as being an issue. I developed anorexia nervosa when I was 12. I lost my period and ate as little as I could. I thought this is what it meant to be successful and powerful - to have self-control to the point where every decision was dictated by my nervosa. When you operate from a one-dimensional focus, you aren't as powerful as you perceive. The compulsive behavior, once a motivator, eventually drains your bones and your spirit of all open-mindedness.
I know a lot of people have written about the impetus (underlying/root causes) of eating disorders. A very simple way to understand the compulsion is that having and perpetuating a low self-image inherently makes a person very nervous. I mean, how safe can you really feel walking around in the world if you constantly feel unworthy? Nervousness leads people to behave in ways they wouldn't normally. You are literally crawling outside of your skin, trying to find an escape. And then, here comes a behavior, a behavior that is socially acceptable to a certain extent, and a behavior that produces results that are normally praised, "you're so thin!" said with an admiring, and sometimes even an envious smile.
At 15, I was about done with my self-esteem issues manifesting as they were. I was done with complete self-denial. And so, I took to binging and purging. I continued to devalue myself (with highs and lows in between) until I fell in love. Love changed everything for me. I fell for a person who had a very strong sense of self-worth. They helped me discard and shed these flaky, murky gray layers of self-hate I'd held onto from the age of eight. As I was drawn to putting more energy into what and whom I loved, food became less of a fixation. Still, I can't say that loving a person who showed me how to embrace who I was and who I was becoming "just solved everything for me and I was just super!"
No, no mija! Healing is a daily, moment-by-moment process and it involves gentleness and hard-work. Funny how the paradox of working hard comes together with being gentle with ourselves, isn't it? On the one hand, I always advocate, "do not abandon any part of yourself - trust your desires, and put up a fight for what you're really here to do." And then, the truth gets thicker and more complex. We can say embrace our desires but then - and I have to speak up for the intricacy of the truth because I am being pushed from somewhere deep down in my gut to do so - we can say, embrace our desires, but, how much of those very desires have been fed to us as socially sanctioned and acceptable to desire? As goals that we should break our spirits to attain in order to be recognized as a "real adult" or an "honest, hardworking person?"
There are subtleties and layers within subsets of layers! There's your logic and your intuition, and the mix of both. There's submitting to your heart, and allowing your mind to be a messenger for your heart's instinct-- then there's the reality that speaking and acting from our heart's desire may not serve us in particular contexts. This is to say, there's always work to be done. And if you want to grow, you've got to be the one doing it! There's further reflection and more clarified sight to bring into view, as we are ready. It is true: we have been programmed; we've been given instructions on how and who to be, and these instructions were not tailored for us specifically. Nevertheless, here we are.
I have gone to bed with the breadth and depth of obsession and I know what it is like to want to sink into the concrete and cease to exist. I have come far up, up from the trenches of vapid nothingness. I have felt my soul sense it was completely alone and empty. I have felt the incessant tinge of the mind. I have had my very own mental universe - a universe that is supposed to protect and preserve my sanity - make me believe I was unbearably imperfect, and thus, utterly undeserving of happiness or self-confidence. I want you to know and trust that you are not alone. Whatever it is, you can overcome it. Trust me, you can overcome it. You will have to be determined. You will need to coach and parent your psyche - you will need to be vigilant about the thoughts you have. Play the role of the loving parent, devoted best friend or supportive sibling with your mind. As soon as you have a self-punishing thought, say to the mind "Alright now, settle down, you can do this, I know you're nervous, but you can do what's right for you deep down."
I cannot write "I am Shebah Saturn, I come from an eating disorder background and I'm over it." In the same vein, I will not deny the wisdom of my walk and say "I am Shebah Saturn. Always confident and secure." Perhaps these statements would be sweeter chocolate, easier to digest. Maybe hearing them would even prove inspiring, offering misplaced and empty hope. Still, at the risk of being too honest, I will say that broad sweeping, dust-hidden-under-the-rug commentaries will not prepare us for the long run ahead.
I can say that most days, I remind myself of my worth. I am self-reflective. I know I am destined to be a servant of the people in my own odd way. I tell myself that I have something special that no one else has - and so do you - you have your individuality. There will never be another you in the entire history of our human existence. You are the only "you" that will ever grace this earth. It turns out that you are your life's work. Get into what you love and look after yourself. You deserve it.
One Love,
Shebah Saturn
