We Cannot Fall From Our State Of Grace

The prompt "write everyday"

is like a wire around my heart

that keeps it all from

spilling and splitting apart.

Spilling and splitting apart

like when I think of Sandra Bland

why did she have to die?

(she did not have to die)

she did not have to die

she

      did        

                           not                             

                      have                      

to

die.

Another guttural symbol of gross misunderstanding and humanity gone awry. And when I write guttural I mean it pulls at my guts - at my sacral chakra, at my place of home in being human. When I say symbol, I also mean everything above that, and around it - a sister, a black woman, a human being, a life full of energy, deserving as we all are of her piece of happiness.

How many more will it take? My heart aches. I could research to rationalize, make me feel more scientific. Though I'd still feel numb.

The teacher in me says we need to construct emotional literacy courses and cultural sensitivity classes. I remember once a fellow Mills woman sharing with me, stating with quite natural conviction "I am not a cultural relativist." I had no idea what the term meant. Now I know. Some stuff is just violent and wrong and fucked up, and we can sense that on a universal level, beyond the confusion of the main's game of tricky political mind-fuckery (main - I mean mainframe, akin to a computer's motherboard - the mainstream machine that make us feel less than if we have less superfluous, material junk). We will always be too sensitive to be inorganic, though they're trying very successfully to dehumanize the humans - think about that - do not lose your nature  - fight for it!

Sometimes I look around at my people - those who are brothers and sisters in spirit, and those whose spirits found mine - destined, and beyond earthly scientific definitions of blood - and I think - we are revolutionary, we are extraordinary, we are different. We are here together now in this time because we are chosen. Intelligent enough to dismiss mythical and divisive claims of ethnic groups being born more or less capable of learning, growing and being great. Compassionate enough to disallow propaganda, and all together anti-humanness, to keeps us apart. We are clever. We know that while this is all "an illusion" lucid dreams do feel very real, don't they? I mean, we are here, existing in space, and at the same time, we are beyond it [space]. The consequences of our actions are here, whether this shared reality is "real" as we know it, or imagined. The consequences of our actions are here. And unavoidable.

I remember my grandfather saying to me on the phone while my former wife (yes, I wrote wife, digest it, you'll be okay) was driving home on the 75 South freeway once, that he did not believe we ever reached the moon. He also reasoned, "we have enough issues here on earth - let's deal with our problems on this planet first, then talk to me about heading to Mars!" Makes sense for his generation, and his mind. Today, I read a zine on Amerikkka's obsession with blackness and anti-blackness, the speaker being interviewed said that as people of color, we are often concerned with the usefulness of discussing, or commencing - anything. He offered an example of a political figure (a woman - I think it was the great humanitarian + dope ass human being Alice Walker) being asked whether she believed we lived in a fascist country. I thought to myself that I needed to re-learn what fascism really meant in our contemporary context, but I digress.

When asked the question, she immediately went into analysis - "if it is true that we live in a fascist state, what will we do about it? What is a workable solution?" And I thought to myself about how we, as humans, and particularly, as leaders connected to our roots, want to know and understand how to fix everything. For us, and people like us, it's a natural reaction. How can we make this better? People are hurting, people are becoming despondent and apathetic (and apathy is the real poison). People are becoming desensitized to the chaos, and utter hierarchy of disregard. I think it starts with stepping in, trusting, and stepping out. It starts with trusting that we are not alone. It starts with recognizing the ways we all have contributions to make.

It starts with knowing ourselves, taking care of ourselves for who we are, and the destiny we are becoming. It starts with monitoring who we are, digging inside, knowing and making peace with our differences. Being still enough and crazy enough to sense our gifts. And using them without asking for permission. It starts with our own form of prayer - writing, drawing, loving, painting. It starts with all those actions that seem so innocent - and they are - all those petite actions that, in many adult hoods, are so easily suppressed and undervalued on a day to day basis. These forms of artistic prayer, these practices that connect us with our source, are profoundly powerful because they release our subconscious selves - our soulful, pit-of-the-stomach desires - those textured, pesky waves of truth inside our hearts that linger always, and especially, when the aggravation and the pain go away.

We are what we have. Pure in form. Wide in action. Vast in spirit. 

It starts with dismantling this anti-life way of conducting ourselves in this terrain, in this dimension, in this corner of the world on "U.S territory." It starts with correcting the imbalanced equation of human life as less important - as laughable and eradicable - when compared to capital/currency. To the main, human lives only matter  in so much as we are programmable enough - just able enough - (yes, please really digest and re-read that, because that part is deep) to support the structure of capitalism. I'm not sure that there are no progressive, practical uses for capitalism, but if I define that word as being, in its very etymology, capital-driven (and if capital means currency/the systematic capitalizing of one thing over another, implying superiority) then a capitalistic centered way of living will always - in its very veins - value human life as minimally as it can in order to produce, proliferate and manufacture.

This means very few of your children will be able to really live out their gifts. This means most of us, and future generations, will die without ever knowing who we  are. I mean truly knowing in heart, on the tips of our tongues, and at a moment's notice, how to glow like dancing flames, orange and pink, and be who we were always meant to be. How to share our souls with our communities in meaningful ways. In ways that honor our intuitive ancestral knowledge and futuristic outlook. Something has got to give. Discussing is one part. Truth is a really big part of change. Remembering is another.

Caring is the bottom line, because no matter what, compassion heals all things - even when anger and hatred are justified. 

What Makes You Feel Confident?

This is me in Napoli, Italy. Traveling always brings me closer to myself,

which makes me feel very beautiful! 

We are here together, navigating through these earthly dimensions, livin', doing the best we can to truly live out our ideals, formulate our conceptions of what is right and what is wrong, collecting pieces of our personal mosaics along the way.

I asked myself a question this morning - What makes me feel beautiful? I mean, really, stripping away assigned societal definitions of beauty as much as I possibly can, when it's just me in communion with my gut, sacral and root chakra, what makes me feel utterly liberated, confident and sexy?

As a multi-dimensional human being, I am concerned with these things - with living a life that is mostly, if not purely, navigated by ideas and practices that I consciously create and consent to. I don't have all the answers, but I do have some practical, grounded magic I'd love to share with you.

To live a life that feels good for you (and not necessarily a life that successfully pleases others yet inhibits your own growth) you have to clearly define and succinctly articulate what your personal value system is. I emphasize the process of defining each idea in your value system succinctly because the mind and its capacity to retain and recall information is powerful - there's a reason why advertising taglines for the most successful companies sum up their brand identity in just a few short words. 

The first step is to begin with clearly establishing your personal value system. It's important for you to sit with yourself, without the influence of others and take the time to write out your list. Remember, it's your list, no one needs to see it, understand it or approve it.  

Personally, I have been through enough malarkey in my life to stand behind what it is I need and don't need. So, because of this, I don't mind sharing my list. Please note that here, I added further description because this is a public forum and I do not want my words to be misunderstood. I will bold the phrases I have posted in my bedroom - short and sweet! 

1. I consume real foods. I do not consume foods that hurt my body.

2. I believe in physical movement. It is natural for the body.

3. I drink two glasses of water upon rising, and often through out the day.

4. I use water to cleanse my spirit. I shower to heal myself. 

5. If I have swirling thoughts, I make the time to sit down outside and feel the air brush against my skin.  I love when my arms feel the open air. I take off any clothes or long sleeve shirts that prevent my skin from feeling the changeable element of the wind. I close my eyes and let the wind carry my worries away.

6. I light a candle to call upon my ancestors. I use the Tarot and my Dreams to help me see exactly what I need to see, though not always what I want to see ;)

7. I give myself permission to learn and re-learn as many times as I need.

8. I trust my gut and keep some of my visions private. I don't need to share every insight I have about how a situation will play out. Sometimes I am accurate, other times there was human bias involved which skewed my perspective - this is why it is sometimes best to say very little. Keep in mind however, that just because you are choosing not to discuss your insights with others does not mean that you should ignore what you've felt and seen. Integrate your insights, and move accordingly. 

9. I sit with my sensuality and use it for the greatest good. I am a sensual person, this has an impact on those I come into contact with. Sensuality is a gift and it is the mark of a healer and nurturer. It does not need to imply sexual feelings, or sexual activity whatsoever. Sometimes the best thing to do is sit and listen with an open heart and an open mind. Don't get too carried away in the listening though, remember who you are!

10. I know when to exit, and I'll do my best to exit gracefully though this may not always be possible. Socializing and communing with our fellow human beings generally feels really good! And yet, there are times when we must turn our locus of compassion within and remove ourselves from a situation that just feels off. Standing up for yourself and your value system can be as simple as dismissing yourself from that person/group of people/situation. I try to do this gracefully wherever possible (I have decided that grace feels good for me to embody) but to be clear, there are times when the situation does not permit or call for grace. That's cool with me, too.

11. I am here to lead by example, and not necessarily by force. For as long as I can remember, I have been placed in positions of leadership, despite not viewing myself as a leader per se. I have realized that I prefer to lead by example, sharing my experiences, welcoming others to share theirs; creating more of a co-leadership style where everyone's voice is heard, whether or not I agree with the perspective. 

12. I seek to understand before drawing definite conclusions. Emotional bias is real! Before drawing definite outcomes, step back and try to understand instead of placing blame or fault. 

13. I accept my destiny as a seer and healer. This was and still is a challenge for me, because when I write this, I don't mean to imply that I have reached a state of mastery that renders me "better than others." Rather, what I mean to say is that based on my experiences, my lineage, my astrology and numerology chart (western, vedic, 13th sign and mayan calculations) my destiny points to a spirit endowed with psychic and/or spiritual gifts, whose life will gradually unfold in such a way where they will be forced to come to terms with their ability to heal themselves and others around them. 

Have you made it this far? Impressive! Thank you for staying with me! In short, the answer to my question - What makes me feel beautiful, confident and sexy? Living out my personal value system that's what! Sounds nerdy, I know, but it's true. Try it. Write down a list of your own. Whenever you are in a funk, ask yourself if what you're doing in that very moment aligns with your personal value system - then, as always, "click" into making your next move a move that best shows who you are, and what you're really about!  

The Journey Continues...

Would you like to sit down and write down your list together, or, get a Tarot Reading? Make sure to check me out! 

Choosing Progress Over Perfection! Lesson of the 6 Life Path/6th House (Virgos!)

I have a distinct memory of riding the L Train in Brooklyn on my way to a substitute teaching gig in the dead of winter. My hands were ice cold, and my ears, accustomed to Los Angeles sun, were itchy and burning up from the winter chill. My body was being so dramatic about the whole thing, I might as well as have been in the freggin' artic.

Of course, during the seemingly glacial experience of walking from the train to the school where I was to teach, a precious book was clutched firmly in my right hand. I never leave home without at least one book. I have always been a sucker for absorbing knowledge, especially the kind of knowledge that holds the potential for practical implementation with a mystical undertone! [insert nerd emoticon here ;]. I was reviewing a chapter in a numerology book on the vibration of the number 6 and the constant search for perfection embedded within this psychological type. There was a line in the book that left me as softly still then as it does now.  Recalling the gifts and challenges associated with the 6 type can make my imaginative mental acrobatics stop dead in their tracks. The perspective is quite simple, and it goes somethin' like this (I'm paraphrasing here): 

"The 6 individual needs to remember that a constant search for perfection in the human form will only propagate stress. A 6 person should emphasize progress over perfection, recalling that there is an inherent perfection in the feeling of progress." 

I've been reflecting on the process of perfection and self-mastery in the human form. Years ago, for me, self-mastery looked like the discipline and concentrated force of Bruce Lee and FloJo. Conjuring up images of such unbelievably powerful human beings ushered in other questions - could I be as fast as FloJo or as divinely in the moment as Bruce? I'd watch video after video to open up my mind.

I have been arriving closer to my purpose while dwelling here among these tricky human realms. In my mind's eye, I stand affirmatively, the heels of my yellow patent leather tacones digging into the crevices of uneven, worn-out concrete. In front of  me, there is a green door; it reads "you just have to keep doing it." The words flicker in and out of view. And then, recently, it hit me - Bruce and FloJo did not waste their time talking about perfection, and yet some would argue that they indeed achieved it. What they often discussed, though, was a commitment to waking up everyday, and "doing it." They knew about prioritizing progress. They knew about pure-hearted, unglamorous effort with very little fanfare at 4:30 a.m. cheering them on as they "just did" their thing. When we focus on progress, we learn how to stay in the moment so as to occupy the next moment precisely as we want and need.

If you have a strong influence of the number 6 in your life (start paying attention, or, sit with me!) you tend to deeply crave harmony, beauty, and healthy patterns. Nutrition, exercise and art are all central to your feelings of happiness, wellness and stability. You really want to do well, to achieve a state of inner-purity in your mind and body, which is where the inclination for valuing this concept of "perfection" may stem from. The number 6 is also associated with effort and the capacity to try, and try again. If you observe yourself going a little "off the deep end" with personal expectations that accent perfection over progress, reel yourself back in, and repeat a rendition of the mantra below:

"Progress is my focus, perfecting my technique will come with time and practice. Progress is the key to my success."

For 6 energies, the need for "exactness" can be overwhelming, bringing about feelings of isolation, and doubt. In turn, this self-doubt prevents the individual from tapping into their tremendous well of cleverness and creativity that is virtually endless. Striving for perfection can result in debilitating self-judgment that shows up as emotional rigidity, and oddly enough - as arrogance (the arrogance is a fleeting and distorted attempt to see themselves as worthy as they truly are).

Similar to the feeling of icy weather burning up the edges of my ears on the L train in Brooklyn - thoughts can make us feel immovable, casting rigid and gloomy weather in our mind. 6's must remember that an honest effort is always more valiant than abandoning ourselves half way. Close your eyes and envision yourself completing that mile run, screenplay, or big job for your client - there is an inherent perfection in progress, stick to it!

On Growing Up - Working With Our Addictions

Shebah Saturn is a pen name and a growing reflection of who I am carving myself out to be. In my mind's eye, I envision a seed that's always had the potential to stay rooted to the ground, and in the same moment, reach out with endless curiosity toward the sky. I have spent most of my life blind to who I really was, wishing to be everything other than who I was destined to be. When you have a calling though, there comes a point when the vibrato of the truth is so loud, there is no more pretending that you do not hear it, save for feeling like a fool who refuses to hear the music!

No matter how much you try, you cannot avoid the very nature of who you are (please know that sadness, depression, apathy and self-esteem issues are not "you," they are barriers to your very own instinctual greatness - I expand on this below). If you are brave enough (and you are brave enough!) to listen to your inner-voice, there is a growth process that will take place. It is painful, it is worth the wisdom that you will gain, and it is inevitable. 

A few things I would like to share with you about my life travels thus far - I come from a Latin-American family - my mother is Mexican-American and my father was born in Nicaragua. I was reared in a home that strongly encouraged intellectualism, critical thinking and being of service. I have a bent toward perfectionism that I am actively learning to integrate into the way I approach my creative process. There's nothing wrong with any bit of your characteristics - you've simply got to take the time to put them in the right place. 

I am kind, self-evaluative and imaginative. I am a poet and a writer. I earned a degree with academic honors in Creative Writing from Mills College. I attended college to fine-tune my natural interest in writing. I wanted to open up my world, and give myself time to explore the emotional landscape of truly inspiring human beings who wrote with tremendous passion and fervor. Audre Lorde, June Jordan, Franz Kafka, Martin Luther King, Sylvia Plath, Chaucer & Gabriel Garcia Marquez brought me up and down in ways that affirmed my understanding of the universal human experience. 

I have dedicated waves and waves of mental energy toward coaching myself to be gentle with my eccentric level of sensitivity. High personal standards, wanting to achieve "success" and strong work ethic have led me a lot of places, some walks were light, other caves were tiny and dark; all were necessary. I have a pretty intense and prolonged eating disorder background, so allowing myself to be exposed in any light at the risk of being criticized - whether through my writing, photos or other works of art -  is an act of courage for me and an honest attempt at self-acceptance.  I have struggled with my self-image as far back as the second grade, where I internalized my size as being an issue. I developed anorexia nervosa when I was 12. I lost my period and ate as little as I could. I thought this is what it meant to be successful and powerful - to have self-control to the point where every decision was dictated by my nervosa. When you operate from a one-dimensional focus, you aren't as powerful as you perceive. The compulsive behavior, once a motivator, eventually drains your bones and your spirit of all open-mindedness.  

I know a lot of people have written about the impetus (underlying/root causes) of eating disorders. A very simple way to understand the compulsion is that having and perpetuating a low self-image inherently makes a person very nervous. I mean, how safe can you really feel walking around in the world if you constantly feel unworthy? Nervousness leads people to behave in ways they wouldn't normally. You are literally crawling outside of your skin, trying to find an escape. And then, here comes a behavior, a behavior that is socially acceptable to a certain extent, and a behavior that produces results that are normally praised, "you're so thin!" said with an admiring, and sometimes even an envious smile.  

At 15, I was about done with my self-esteem issues manifesting as they were. I was done with complete self-denial. And so, I took to binging and purging. I continued to devalue myself (with highs and lows in between) until I fell in love. Love changed everything for me. I fell for a person who had a very strong sense of self-worth. They helped me discard and shed these flaky, murky gray layers of self-hate I'd held onto from the age of eight. As I was drawn to putting more energy into what and whom I loved, food became less of a fixation. Still, I can't say that loving a person who showed me how to embrace who I was and who I was becoming "just solved everything for me and I was just super!"

No, no mija! Healing is a daily, moment-by-moment process and it involves gentleness and hard-work. Funny how the paradox of working hard comes together with being gentle with ourselves, isn't it? On the one hand, I always advocate, "do not abandon any part of yourself - trust your desires, and put up a fight for what you're really here to do." And then, the truth gets thicker and more complex. We can say embrace our desires but then - and I have to speak up for the intricacy of the truth because I am being pushed from somewhere deep down in my gut to do so - we can say, embrace our desires, but, how much of those very desires have been fed to us as socially sanctioned and acceptable to desire? As goals that we should break our spirits to attain in order to be recognized as a "real adult" or an "honest, hardworking person?"

There are subtleties and layers within subsets of layers! There's your logic and your intuition, and the mix of both. There's submitting to your heart, and allowing your mind to be a messenger for your heart's instinct-- then there's the reality that speaking and acting from our heart's desire may not serve us in particular contexts. This is to say, there's always work to be done. And if you want to grow, you've got to be the one doing it! There's further reflection and more clarified sight to bring into view, as we are ready. It is true: we have been programmed; we've been given instructions on how and who to be, and these instructions were not tailored for us specifically. Nevertheless, here we are. 

I have gone to bed with the breadth and depth of obsession and I know what it is like to want to sink into the concrete and cease to exist. I have come far up, up from the trenches of vapid nothingness. I have felt my soul sense it was completely alone and empty. I have felt the  incessant tinge of the mind. I have had my very own mental universe - a universe that is supposed to protect and preserve my sanity -  make me believe I was unbearably imperfect, and thus, utterly undeserving of happiness or self-confidence. I want you to know and trust that you are not alone. Whatever it is, you can overcome it. Trust me, you can overcome it. You will have to be determined. You will need to coach and parent your psyche - you will need to be vigilant about the thoughts you have. Play the role of the loving parent, devoted best friend or supportive sibling with your mind. As soon as you have a self-punishing thought, say to the mind "Alright now, settle down, you can do this, I know you're nervous, but you can do what's right for you deep down."

I cannot write "I am Shebah Saturn, I come from an eating disorder background and I'm over it." In the same vein, I will not deny the wisdom of my walk and say "I am Shebah Saturn. Always confident and secure." Perhaps these statements would be sweeter chocolate, easier to digest. Maybe hearing them would even prove inspiring, offering misplaced and empty hope. Still, at the risk of being too honest, I will say that broad sweeping,  dust-hidden-under-the-rug commentaries will not prepare us for the long run ahead. 

I can say that most days, I remind myself of my worth. I am self-reflective. I know I am destined to be a servant of the people in my own odd way. I tell myself that I have something special that no one else has - and so do you - you have your individuality. There will never be another you in the entire history of our human existence. You are the only "you" that will ever grace this earth. It turns out that you are your life's work. Get into what you love and look after yourself. You deserve it. 

One Love,

Shebah Saturn

The Light + Dark Of Love

In the thick of it all; feels like sweet black tar and the inside of a honey comb - patterned, structured and forgiving. The day feels hopeful. Thunderstorms are here - dusty raindrops, crystal teardrops, they're all the same. Liquid truth, the kind of truth that's ineffable - and yet, undeniable. The sincerity behind the seas in our eyes when our waves of aggravation meet - this water that keeps me and you glued. Sacred and stained.

Gumdrops - sunsets of orange, purple and blue. Happiness - the kind of scent that stays on the nape of his neck even after therapeutic sweat has dried. Her hands cut through the wind -- action and more action. He coaches. She runs. This is the redemption of the "we" tucked fragile within me and you. An understated, subtle pink hue - matured, taking its time to come to. Maybe they confuse us as faded - maybe it's all true.

Acts of kindness rubbing out the foggy bitterness behind those rose-colored glasses we're given, then taken, then given. Torturous and electric. 

 My love for finding the depth of you has never died. I had a thought today that maybe the soulmate I have been searching for all along is flowing through my bloodstream. A concrete, jungle mixture of my ancestors, and me.

I think this could all be true.

I think that truth is a utility we decide to take on, and if it is not useful we should discard its contents, revise, update and begin brand new. There's no use in alt + escape+deleting more and more of our time -- erecting lofty concepts - if they can't be used.

If our mental-stream-utilities (our ideas!) do not bridge the dark + light spaces between me and you, I.am.simply.unamused.

This is stream of consciousnesses. This was unprepared. This was everything it ever needed to be. Bold, courageous and fear-free.